Donald Trump was truly livid. He paced up and down the White House lawns – “How dare they, how dare they…” he thundered.
Vice Prezzie JD Vance was attempting to keep pace.
“What ails you, sire, please share with me?”
“JD…the one quality that pains me is ‘ingratitude’. The world should acknowledge when a humble man such as myself, extends his incredible influence to bring about harmony way beyond his country or his own domestic concerns.”
He took a pause, then continued, “How dare they, how dare they…”
“How dare they what?” JD Vance enquired.
“Vance…by now you should be able to predict how I’m going to finish my sentences.”
“Sire…forgive me…”
“JD…How dare they not give me the Nobel Peace Prize! How can they steal it from me and give it to someone else? It was mine for the taking.”
“Yes it was, sire…” Vance said.
“It is an unfair world — a humanitarian like me — all I’ve ever wanted was to help my fellow man — I am a peace broker, I am a peacemaker.” He paused.
“Like why did they give the Nobel Peace Prize to that Barack Obama guy…tell me…what was the reason? Did he bring about a ceasefire between any two countries? Iran-Iraq? Israel-Palestine? I have brought about a truce between Israel and Palestine last week! Hostages have been freed, Gaza is now strife-less, after a whole century… something that other guy… that PLO chap…Arafat, yes, Yasser Arafat…couldn’t get and he still got a Peace Prize. I’ve mediated between Russia and Ukraine, even called wassisname, Zelenskyy to the White House — okay I’m trying to get Vlad, my buddy Putin to come…he’s kinda dodging my calls. I’ve brokered talks between India and Pakistan, if they give me a go-ahead, I can get that Asia Cup back from that Mohsin Naqvi. Talking about Pakistan, I am about to settle scores between the Paks and Afghanistan…in spite of the recent attacks.”
As they walked, deep in thought, JD suddenly came up with a trump card.
“Sire sire, I have a Eureka moment idea…what unites most Nobel Peace Prize winners? What unites them is that they are ‘victims’, or the underdog. This Venezuelan Machado lady, who got the prize instead of you, she’s hiding ‘underground’; one of the previous winners, Malala Yousafzai, I mean she survived an assassination attempt on a school bus, targeted for her activism when she was a teenager — she was in a coma.
“Why don’t you go into hidin…like this Machado lady…we’ll hide you away…we can hide you in one of the rooms in the Oval office and pretend that you’re hiding in the Kandahar region…in a cave…like Osama did…it’ll be so heroic… Sir, it’ll be great to watch you in a beige coloured robe — maybe we should stage a proper assassination attempt?”
“But I did survive an assassination attempt.”
“Sire, the bullet hit your ear — we need to have a real one, dramatic, like JFK shot in the head by a sniper, or Reagen coming out of a car…the assassinations or attempted assassinations of US Presidents have always involved a car…even Nixon.”
Vance continued, “I think we should set up a series of assassination attempts. Let’s get one stalker …one assassin who tries multiple ways to bump you off, but in each case you get saved…it’s a great narrative…we’ll hide you away, and you trying to broker peace even when you are under personal attack — I have this one guy, he’s a freelance mock terrorist — we can get him to stalk you, he’ll attempt to car bomb you with fake RDX, then he’ll snipe at you from skyscrapers with blanks. We’ll give him multiple disguises, so the world will think that you have multiple enemies. We’ll create fake death threats from ISIS, Hamas, Hezbollah, Lashkar-e-Taiba — we can create a social media story — ‘Where is President Trump hiding? Where will they attack him next?’ In my view, they will have to give you the Nobel Peace Prize next year.”
In fact, sire, let’s write the first of your biographies – Donald Trump – Bullets and Bombs- My Journey to the Nobel Peace Prize.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com